Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Four Types of People On Facebook That Annoy All of Us

This is going to read a lot like a Cracked article (minus the profanity but still including all the sarcasm), and they've probably showcased something similar, so bear with me. I've been watching this behavior become more and more common lately. Any person that has more than a handful of friends on his/her Facebook page has at least one of these types of people popping up on the newsfeed. You probably have someone (or several) in mind right now, don't you?

The Serial-Relationship-Status Changer

You also know this one outside of Facebook because you're sure to meet a different guy or girl each time you decide to double date, and chances are, you have more than one of these serial daters as a friend on your page. Every relationship they get has them shouting that this person is the one. They've overcome leaps and bounds to be together in their own Romeo-and-Juliet-like "reality".

Judith Naivety is in a relationship with Steve Chump.

The comments below show the elation all Judith's friends have in her newly found love with Steve. Judith posts a series of status messages over the next couple days proclaiming her love for Steve and how he's her soulmate. Follow that with...

Judith Naivety is married to Steve Chump.

Wait--did I miss the engagement? Was there a secret destination wedding? Did they elope using a JP? No, of course not. I didn't miss anything. They're not married in the legal--or any--sense at all. Judith and Steve just want Facebook to know they're in a "life-long", "committed" relationship after one week of dating. It's always good to make these kinds of commitments quickly.
A short time later...

Judith Naivety is in a relationship and it's complicated.

Suddenly, Judith's Facebook friends rally on her page to get the scoop on what Steve could possibly have done to change the outlook of this "marriage". Did he add a girl to his Facebook friends without consulting Judith first? Did he forget Judith's name on their second date? What did he do (because the man is usually the first to be blamed by women)? Judith's response will always be, "I don't really want to talk about it," but she will always be fine with posting cryptic status messages over the next few days to fish for sympathy [See The Cryptic Status-Message Poster]. This is standard. Put that can of gasoline away and keep it far from this fire.

Judith Naivety is no longer listed as in a relationship.

Wasn't it just a few short weeks ago that Judith was proclaiming her love for Steve? I'm sure it felt like an eternity to her, and it certainly was when compared to her last relationship that lasted 48 hours.
Less than a week later we see...

Judith Naivety is in a relationship with Rambo Rebound

This whole process just repeats itself from here on out.

The Cryptic-Status-Message Poster

This is the person who is constantly posting status messages that say a whole lot of nothing. His/her world is supposedly falling apart, but you're not allowed to know the reasons or what the problem even is. It will sometimes--but not always--end with the acronym, "FML". Expect the obligatory spelling, grammar and punctuation errors throughout.

i cant beleive sum1 wuld do that 2 me!!!11 they didnt even ask what i thot bout it fist thizwill change my life 4eva n they dont evn get it fml.

To the unsuspecting or devout followers of this person, this will be interpreted as an immediate cry for help, and the comments will promptly come in to ask if he/she is alright and ask what's going on. If you even get a response from this person, it will be simplistic. They have it down to an art, so expect more questions than answers when all is said and done. A smart friend would just leave all these status updates alone because chances are it's just a minor bump in their day that's been dramatized for added effect. They'll be over it in time for the next "crisis" to be announced in...3...2..1...

The Sympathy-Picture Poster

You're sitting at your computer (or on your phone), casually browsing through your newsfeed when you come across a somewhat risqué-looking picture. It's a picture of this person half-naked and most likely in a provocative pose, and the caption notes something to the effect of the person looking fat or ugly ("I don't know. What do you think?"). This picture is followed by comments from the opposite sex stating how "sexy" they look and assuring them that they are not fat or ugly. Women are the biggest offenders of this annoyance.

Newsflash: If you're posting a picture of yourself like that and putting yourself down in the caption, you don't truly think you're fat, ugly or any other degrading term. You're not as low on self-esteem as you attempt to present yourself to be. You're actually quite the opposite. I guarantee that someone who thinks very little of him/herself will never do this. I also can guarantee that someone who thinks well of him/herself in a very humble way would not do this either. That leaves one type of person: the arrogant one.

The Boaster Poster

This person was always around--even before the Internet. They always bragged about their accomplishments. It went beyond having a proud moment and crossed into the territory of tooting their own horn to the point it sounded like an entire French horn section of an orchestra. Now we've given them a public forum to not only annoy people in their general, geographic vicinity but people all over the world.

This especially comes into play once children are involved. Now that I have my own daughter, I know what it feels like to be proud of her accomplishments. I want to tell everyone that my daughter is awesome...all the time. What holds me back? A little humility and recognizing that every parent feels that way about their own child. Don't get me wrong: You can certainly brag about your child on occasion. It's the parents who don't know when to stop and turn everything into a competition that drives me crazy. That's great if your child was potty trained by the time they turned a year old, but that doesn't make another parent less than you because theirs didn't until they were three.

Just sayin'...

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Fifty Shades of TMI

It was recently that I was first introduced to a book called, "Fifty Shades of Grey". Did I read it?Not your average coffee table book... Absolutely not, so don't expect a legitimate book review. What was described to me is "porn for women". Desperate housewives everywhere were flocking to pick up a copy of this new, erotic book. I guess it was a step up from their bookshelves full of novels adorned with a half-nude Fabio sweeping a woman off her feet and a new background on each cover. Having read a few of the narratives on the backs of these books for kicks and giggles, I've determined they're all the same story with different settings. Prove me wrong.

Based on reviews from different sources, you can either believe this is the best thing to come into a sex-starved woman's life or it can make for good kindling on a cold night. Being that this is not my cup of tea, I'm not planning on reading it just to be able to give an unbiased opinion or to even give it an honest try. I'm sure its biggest fans are also serial viewers of "Days of Our Lives", which I have about as much interest in as I do poking my eyes out with a pitchfork.

According to the synopsis, the story follows a naïve woman named Ana Steele and a glorified gigolo named Christian Grey. In a nutshell: Ana interviews Christian for a job with the college paper; they're attracted to each other; Christian propositions her for sex; Christian makes her sign a contract barring any discussion about what they do together--as well as one to submit herself to his freakish fetish of BDSM and his bizarre rules along with that; sex, sex, more sex and insanity ensue. I think there's a partridge in a pear tree in there somewhere too. If not, it's probably Ron Jeremy in a pear tree.

I'm all for women buying a feel-good book if that's what floats their boats, but the whole plot to the story just seems like something out of a sadomasochist's fantasy [There's also nothing wrong with that if you're into it], which poses the question: Are there really tons of women out there that are into getting beat by a man for sexual pleasure? It's evidently more popular than I once thought or this trilogy wouldn't be on the best sellers list. Conclusion: Beating women is wrong...except when it's not.

I'm sure I'll catch a lot of flack for this post, but I'm prepared. How many of you have actually read this? Maybe many of you have, but it sits in your lockbox where your husband won't find it. I won't tell...

Friday, August 24, 2012

Crash Course In Parenting [101]

Wow--it's been so long since I've revisited my blog. I remember spending countless hours here, typing paragraphs laced with sarcasm and life lessons while trying to figure out why the average customer I came across during my days in retail had the common sense of a rock. Those were the days of fewer responsibilities but seemingly many points of stress. My outlet was to vent--if you will--to the masses that make up the Internet.

As time went on, it also simultaneously escaped me. My blog went by the wayside. I got married to a wonderful husband April 29, 2006, and we recently had a daughter who was born October 7, 2011. Ever since she was born, life has been dramatically different. Of course it has changed in the most cliché ways, but it has also made me step back and say, "Holy cow! Where did my childhood go?" Wasn't I the one sitting at the "kiddie table" yesterday? Wasn't I the one with my face jammed in a corner and/or getting my behind beat last week?
I had a conversation with an elderly woman in the waiting room of my daughter's doctor's office this afternoon, and we discussed just that, and I'm coining a phrase now that I'll call "life speed".
Pre-children "life speed" perspective: You've just turned 21, but you'll be remaining this age physically and mentally for the next 60 years (at least) because you never get old.
Post-children "life speed" perspective: You're growing hair out of your ears and buying wrinkle cream and Just For Men by the gross all before your child comes home from the hospital.
I'm now living on the opposite side of the fence. I'm the parent, and she's the child. It's feeling like I'm in an alternate universe.

As I'm typing this, I'm listening to the sounds of the neighborhood children playing, which is giving me a glimpse into a future of temper tantrums in public, home fashion shows that end with my clothes torn and makeup on the walls, young love ending in tears and heartache, and sleepover parties with hoards of giddy girls squealing at a decibel level that would scare a pitbull into submission. All these can be looked at as future points of stress that may cause me to bald before I reach the age of forty (if I'm lucky). Wrapped up in all that insanity is the sweet reality of having this person in my life who is totally an individual but is all of me at the same time. I know her inside and out, and no matter what she does in life that may upset or frustrate me to the point of wanting to subject my brain to a lobotomy, she is my child, and that "unconditional love" that all parents talk about is absolute truth in my world.

Although I'm just getting started with this whole parenting role and haven't yet been exposed to the full potential of my daughter's emotional ups and downs, I'm somehow looking forward to it. You can never come out of a difficult experience without being stronger than you were going into it. Every possible experience you go through builds the fibers of your being into who you are today. Before my daughter came along, I could never have imagined the person I've become at this moment. I'm in control of helping to mold her into the person she is and the person she will be; however, she's also molding me into a better person than I could be on my own. How cool is that?