Some Things Just Need To Be Taken Care Of

I've been really down lately, and I'm not sure why.  I fall into these bouts of loneliness and self-pity that I hate so much.  In the midst of these, I encounter demons that I thought I could suppress with time but only come back to haunt me endlessly.  I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of fighting this, and I want help.

I could ask hundreds of questions as to why I have these demons in the first place, and everyone could give me their own opinion as to their origin, but which one is correct?  Are they all correct?  Either way, I need to fight them, but I don't have a known weapon to fight with.  I feel helpless.

When I have a day off from work, I want to relax, but lately I can't.  These thoughts are constantly consuming my mind, and my body is [supposedly] deteriorating with time.  Everyone else sees it, but I don't.  They know it, and I know it, but I really don't.  I feel it, but I really don't.  None of this would probably make any sense to any of you.  You're probably scratching your heads wondering how I could be so clueless.  This is why I have a problem fighting it.
Who do I talk to that understands it? 
Who understands the thought process behind not eating? 
Why do I not want to eat? 
I don't even know why.  How can I be sure anyone does?

I watched as my own sister struggled with it through high school.  I'd often think how she could see herself in such a way.  We all saw her as too thin, but she didn't see it.  Is she blind?
I even wrote a research paper on this subject my junior year, and I learned why they think the way they do.  I learned the in's and out's of the disease, and I thought I understood it enough to know that it's all mental.  I still do understand that, but what I didn't learn and what no book could teach me was how to fight it when it's happening to you.  It doesn't explain how to pull yourself out of the mental trap you've created for your mind as well as your body.
This is my stumbling block.

Now I'm trying to take a step forward towards ending it because now it's at a point where it's affecting what I do and what I don't do.  I used to go to the Y quite regularly with my husband, but now this disease has driven me away.  It's put shame into my mind, and I see that, but even still, I can't get rid of it.  Just knowing that that's why it's there isn't enough.  It does nothing for me.  All the knowledge in the world about this disease is just a waste because it provides no means to an end.

It's a constant battle, and I just want out.