Thank You

I appreciate all the comments and messages I got in response to my blog.  I'm still a little preoccupied over coming out with it to everyone.  Before the other night, there were only a select few people I even discussed this problem with.  Even though I got people telling me how thin I was nearly on a daily basis, I never talked about it with them.  It's been something I've struggled with on and off since my senior year of high school.

I think the reason why I never really discussed it with many people is because, first of all, I didn't think I actually had a problem in the beginning.  When I finally realized that this was becoming a problem, I didn't want all the fanfare that came along with my sister's battle being out on the table.  She was sent flowers and cards and had all eyes on her 24/7.  I didn't want that, and I don't want that.  It really just makes it all that much harder for me to deal with on a personal level.  I'd prefer to be under the radar.

So my coming out with this is probably confusing you given what I just wrote.  I just felt like maybe more than a few people needed to know, and hopefully, that's all the further it would go.  I don't mind a few comments or messages every once in a while to check up or offer advice, but I definitely don't want constant attention.  I just wanted to air this out in hopes that it would help; even if only a small bit.

I was scared to even blog about it, but I did it anyway.  I was scared of the responses I might get, but they've been fine.  Although I'm still scared, I'm trying to pull through.  I'm sick of pretending like it isn't a problem when I know it is.  I've tried to sweep it under the rug in hopes that it'll be ignored for years, but I still see it, and everytime someone makes a comment as to how thin I am, it gets brought to my attention all over again.

I don't think I'm deathly thin or even nearly as thin as my sister was, but I know I am underweight.  I do have days where I go for a while without eating or if I do eat, I only eat a very small amount the entire day (something as small as a piece of toast for the whole day).  There's something in my head that tells me that I'm getting too close to gaining weight, so as a result, I slim down the amount of food I eat, and this can go on for days (sometimes weeks) at a time.  Other times, I'm fine, and I eat normally, so it's not constant starvation; however, it is a constant mental battle.

I think this is the last time I want to discuss this on my blog because I really don't want to think about it more than I have to.  Also, I don't want this to be the theme of every blog I write from here on, but I did want you guys to know that I appreciate the support, and it does help.